Victory

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We survived the apocalypse. We survived 2012. If I had to define this year in a single term I would quickly grab at the word defeat. That seems a bit pessimistic, and I extend thorough apologies. Without those great defeats, however, I would have never been able to rise up and meet the victories that were soon to follow.

subjugate

PRONUNCIATION: (SUHB-juh-gayt)

MEANING: verb tr.: To bring under control or to make submissive

I want to explore some things that I felt like I was subjugated by this past year and over which I found subsequent victory.

01. Fear of being alone. This sounds sort of silly. If you know me personally, you know that I turn “on” when I am in the right crowd. I leave inhibitions behind and actively engage the crowd. But, at the tail end of 2011 I wouldn’t even go shopping by myself. I have morphed to loving the time that I have to be alone. I cherish it. Remember, I spend plenty of time being Mary Poppins. Some days I just need quiet.
02. Writer’s Block. I have spent the better part of this year being blocked as a writer. It wasn’t this inability to write anything. Rather, it was feeling as if there were much better ways to spend my energy. I joined every social media site I could find, allowing me to say whatever I wanted, but never having to commit to a single coherent thought.
03. Pushing people away. Maybe I fibbed a little just then. I still instinctively, push people away when they reach the most tender parts. However, I recognize this about myself. I have discovered that I am not protecting anyone by pushing them away. It isn’t some selfless act of mercy by not allowing people into my darker moments. It just allows me to selfishly suffer and blame others for not caring enough to change it.

How about you? What victories did you have in 2012?

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4 thoughts on “Victory

  1. Consider any great story you have ever read. The protagonist must suffer defeats and struggles along the way to greatness. Give yourself ample room to be imperfect. Remember we are all completely dependent upon grace.

    I found ways to fail in 2012 that I thought were 20 years behind me. It is so humbling to be confronted with weaknesses that had been dormant so long. God’s grace carried me in ways I had completely forgotten. I thought at first that the adversary was finding my weak points – and maybe that was part of it. In reality, what was revealed was more of God’s strength triumphing through my weakness, whenever He sees fit.

    Blessings on you, Ashley, for a wonderful 2013.

    • 2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

      That is consistently a go-to verse for me. 2012 was riddled with a lot of residual emotions from my colossal failures of 2011. It seemed like I had abandoned all of my sanity in 2011 to gratify momentary delights and found myself bogged down and in desperate need of rescue by the end of 2012. I am very fortunate, blessed, and thankful for the people that have stuck by me regardless of my mistakes. And even more humbled that a Savior so full of grace and mercy didn’t run away from me, but ran to me. He met me, tunic hitched up, in a full on run to embrace me, the prodigal.

      Thank you for the reminder, and I pray that 2013 finds you even more enriched in the mercy, compassion, and grace of our Heavenly Father. I pray that as your weaknesses come again to the light, that the darkness flees, leaving you vulnerable to the overwhelming love of Jesus Christ.

  2. number two definitely hits home with me. i’ve never been a writer, but the part about social media hits home. i spend way more time writing 160 letter blurbs on twitter than i do writing in my journal or writing about any specific thoughts on my blog. that’s definitely something for me to keep in mind.

    awesome job on getting through these things!

    more than anything this year, i learned how to be alone. i dated someone for a long, long time, and we broke up at the end of 2011. from there, i had no clue how to be alone. even things like having to go to target by myself would shake me. in the summer, i moved away to work in kentucky where i knew absolutely no one. it was a great experience, and it taught me so much.

    • I didn’t have any problem with doing things alone until I got a restraining order against someone. It became a hazard for me being alone. And that really stripped me of my illusion of independence and strength. I’m really working to force myself to fully express myself, no filter and no hesitation. I don’t want to hide behind my Facebook status or my Twitter updates. I can’t be frustrated about being misunderstood if I’m not working towards understanding. Thank you for reading, Katie. Good job on developing independence. It is so good to know yourself fully.

      -Miss Ashley

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