Disappointment

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I hold a gigantic list of expectations for myself, and it is exhausting. I anticipate that every day that I go to work that I will be Mary Poppins and never lose my patience. I expect myself to not eat junk food of any sort, no matter how frequently I am exposed to it. I make it a habit to believe that I should desire to work out every day. I won’t lose my patience while I’m driving down a rush hour car filled street. I will have the right things to say when my friends are hurting. I will drink water, at least 8 glasses. I won’t spend too much money on things that I don’t need.

And I am terrible at self forgiveness.
These two things shouldn’t be allowed to exist in one being. Not ever. I mess up at least one of those expectations. And then I feel rotten. I feel more than rotten. I don’t even want to be around myself. (Figure out how I could leave myself for a while and you’ll be awarded a prize.) It is silly.

Because those things don’t get to the heart of me. If I’m not feeling like Mary Poppins that is okay. Emotions change. If I am losing my patience, it is probably because my face isn’t buried in the Word. I shouldn’t be extremely overwhelmed when I fail my personal expectations.

Especially since my heart doesn’t break enough for when I disappoint God. It doesn’t. I let idols take up residence in my heart nearly every day.

And He said I should have no other gods before Him. He said that I should tell no lies. And sometimes I do. I lie to myself all of the time. I tell the lie of I’m fine when it is more convenient than being transparent.

And I do it all without batting an eyelash. I wish that I had my heart pierced when I don’t even notice that I’m not following Him whole-heartedly. And I should know that a prayer will be answered. It is scary, but necessary.

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