I’m the sort that instantly gets into my head that people should be “forever” fixtures in my life. I meet them and collect information, cataloging it in the storage rooms of my brain, and I believe that this is enough to keep them from ever going away. Such naive thinking patterns leave me with a broken heart, because some people are intended to touch your life like the hem of their dress brushing your ankles as they pass you by on the street.
Some people are stuck in transit. They are forward motion, and for a brief blip on the timeline of life, their lives and details meld, mix, and mash with yours. And then, just as quickly as they come into your life, they are gone.
It makes my heart ache, because too often I consider my life as a turnstile. People last long enough to only become a little less than strangers, before they are gone. I cannot put a number to this phenomenon, but I so often long to keep people long past their positive expiration date. This is the moment when someone in your life stops leaving a positive memory, but becomes a sulfuric, bitter taste on your tongue.
I don’t want to be the sort that is always seemingly stuck in transit. I don’t want people to count down the time before I leave because I always seem to keep my emotions in suitcases so that it is easier for me to skirt away in the darkness. I don’t want people to count me forgettable because I seem like the sort who takes the first train out of a place, because they don’t want to invest in something that seems so temporary.
I don’t quite know how to get around it, either. I don’t know how to grow roots down deep in a place, especially when I have prayers upon prayers that make me wonder if I’m supposed to have roots in situations, people, places that I encounter. I just know that I don’t ever want to be a number rather than a person. Or to ever regard anyone that way, for that matter. Even if it means that the heart break is a little more substantial when they depart.
Late nights, outside sounds of wind howling, this is the culmination of such things.