There have been so many beautiful, tremendous examples of grace that have showered into my life over the years that I cannot even appropriately articulate what that has done for my spirit, and for my survival as a person.
I have always struggled with myself. I have never been much of a fan of who I am, and that is something that hangs over my heart like a sad raincloud some days. I spent my adolescent years convinced that I was the most unlovable creature to ever exist. At a very young age I didn’t believe that God existed, but I did wrestle with the thought that whoever or whatever had created me had made a tragic mistake in the process.
Even though I have come into a relationship with Jesus Christ, and have pushed past years of trials and tribulations I am thankful to have encountered, but praise God that I don’t have to travel through again…I am still a person very much at war with herself. It is the sort of war that I don’t think ever truly ends. The battles are more predictable; they are exhausting, but I don’t fight them as a solitary entity.
But, being a person who sometimes takes a swing at herself, I have been a woman who needs a lot of grace. I need grace from my family, because I was constantly warring with them as well. And they shower grace on me. They have loved and accepted me at my darkest moments, and celebrated the most beautiful, bright moments with me. I continually need grace from my friends.
When things are tough, I put on a show like I have it all together. I sometimes fear that everyone is on the edge of their seats waiting to mock my failures. So when my failures come to the surface, as ugly and disgusting as they are, I try to hide them. And there isn’t word enough to describe the sensation of receiving grace before you’ve learned to show it to yourself for something.
All I know is, my heart swells to more than three times its size when I consider grace from the humans in my life, apart from the grace that is continual from my God in Heaven.