My memories of other people are generally allowed to morph and mold as time passes. I hold onto the things that made me love them, cherish them and enjoy them, and the things that broke me I tend to discard or replace with a “filler” memory. I am typically suspect of my memory of people that I no longer speak to, because I know that I have to investigate my heart a little further in order to remember the specific cause for the parting of the ways.
These past few weeks have been flooded with memories of people that made me feel less than valuable. There have been people that came through my life, and took advantage of my too-big-heart that wants to please people, and used that as an excuse to abuse my friendship or love along the way.
This isn’t an accusatory post of me spewing hate or frustration onto the internet. If I needed to do that, honestly I’d pick up my journal and tuck away any hope of someone else reading it. These days when I remember people and feel such a tear in my heart lining it reminds me of how much I chose not to forgive along the way. It was easier to forget than it was to deal with the unforgiveness that was storing up in my heart. I am shocked at how many things have been brought to light these past weeks that require intentional forgiveness rather than another hope to skirt it under the rug.
That’s a thing I’ve remembered by myself. In any instance granted where running was an option, I used to take it. I would ignore everything that had ever accumulated and toss it beneath a metaphorical rug in my brain-vaults and meander onto my next adventure, until my meter got too full of things I couldn’t quite process. I’m not that kind of girl anymore.
I have regrets that require self-forgiveness. In the cycle of not forgiving, I have done a lot of things to other people that one might deem unforgiveable. I wouldn’t blame so many of the ghosts of my past who hold something against me. I was naive; I was young. I was living a selfish life, and now I seek to live one that is selfless.
Not all memories are easy to remember. Not all pills are easy to swallow. And forgiveness isn’t an easy journey. But is a God-mandated one of necessity for healthy living.