: incapable of being dissolved or disintegrated; especially : incapable of being annulled, undone, or broken : permanent
I have a habit of considering people as creatures with a clock counting down. When I am around them an invisible counter is over their heads, and it is telling me how much longer until they tire of me and leave me.
Or, let me start over–that’s how I used to do things.
I don’t have the most savory past. I was a woman bent on fulfillment in any manner that I could muster along the way. I used people as if they were things, and valued things as if they were people. I battled addictions and obsessions that still linger around every corner hoping to draw me back into their murky lairs.
I know that I don’t have forever claims to people that I meet along my life’s journey. But I also recognize that people aren’t temporary. If my best friends and I were to part ways, they don’t cease to exist. For too long that was easier to believe. If these people stopped existing then I didn’t have to miss them, and it didn’t have to hurt if I was no longer a priority for them.
But people don’t exist. They are as permanent as can be considered for creatures that some day will die. And friendships, though they morph and change, and some fizzle and seem to die–they don’t. They can’t.
Even with the most dastardly deeds committed, even with the most tragic of fallouts, what once existed will remain as something real in the past. Friendships in their current state cannot be dissolved. Even if I never spoke to S or Ls again until the end of time, I do not possess the power to erase the impact that they have had on me in the times that we have spent together.
I think it is fascinating. We do not have a say on how other people will impact us or affect us. We don’t have the bragging rights to the ability to erase someone from our past.
Even if they change, friendships in their current state don’t dissolve. They live on forever in the past. And I am so thankful to be surrounded by lovely people that I desire to live on well into my future as well.