A Wordy Wednesday

smile and not get worried

Typically this would be the day of the week that I focused on a new vocabulary word. I wasn’t feeling up to the challenge, so today is going to be a wordy Wednesday instead. Today is just an open letter of sorts.

To Whom It May Concern;

I have spent many nights wrestling with who I am. There are so many little things about me that I cannot seem to accept. And there are so many big things of which I cannot seem to let go. But, even though I am the summation of my flaws and strengths stitched together, I am okay with letting me be me.

I have learned what it is to experience the growing pains. I know the ache of drinking enough metaphorical milk to calcify a backbone because allowing others to walk all over me has become something of a given for me. I know the struggle of throwing out my back to lift heavy hearts that were never burdens intended for me to shoulder.

I have spent many years in self-destruct mode. Hoping that by severing myself from all relationships that were worthwhile, that I would be able to disappear from the radar in peace. I would cut people off, unexpectedly, without hesitation, and claim that it was in their favor. This backwards methodology of self-preservation left a path of destruction in my wake.

And I will not be that person anymore.

Forgiving myself has always been the strongest battle I’ve ever fought. It seems uphill either way that I turn. If I work towards forgiving myself, I discover that there is going to be pain in yielding control in those situations. And if I turn back and choose to be plagued with unforgiveness, I run the risk of climbing the uphill battle of being a skeptic in every relationship to follow.

So I’m going to show myself grace.

It seems so hypocritical to freely forgive other people and never even work towards forgiving myself. I am human. And that doesn’t mean that I decide to get up every day and do things intentionally knowing I can seek forgiveness after the fact. Rather, it shows me that I have a disadvantage, but I can let that keep me on the bench, or I can play my heart out.

I want to run this race and finish it knowing that, in my life, I did the best that I could to love God with all of my heart and to love people as God loves them.

2013 is my year. It just is. There isn’t some mythical, magical moment for which I am waiting. There isn’t going to be a sign that paints in the sky that signals the confirmation. This is my year because I’m making it my year. I am happier, healthier, and more fit than I have ever been.

I am loving with such a vibrant love that I swear some days it might just set me on fire. And that is okay. Because what better way than to be consumed because I love too much.

To whom it may concern, this is the best time of my life, because I’m making it so.

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