Questions

laugh track(Picture: 2010)

I like to know the whys. I like to know why people leave. I like to know why people fight through my tough exterior and peer into my heart. I like to know why people don’t like me. I like to know why people pull away. I like to know why because I assume that in the knowledge I can do something to change it.

My obsession with knowing why stems back to my core struggle with control. Being in control of my life seems like such an incredible idea. When I take the reins of situations and try to dictate how things should wind up, I realize that people are wildcards. Just because I’ve rehearsed a conversation a hundred times in my head, doesn’t mean I won’t be faced with the other person messing up the whole dialogue that I’d created.

Today I am thankful for those that left. I am thankful for the people that shut me out of their lives and never told me why. I am thankful for the people that hurt me, the people that disappointed me, the people that left me just as I suspected they might. I’m thankful for the people that said tremendously hurtful things about me. Thankful for those that took my secrets and broadcast them to the world. I am thankful for the people that never accepted me just as I was.

I am the sort of person that lives as an idealist on certain subject until the glass is shattered and I convert to a cynic. I don’t live on the fence in really any area of my life. I am an extreme sort of person. I live in extreme emotionally opposites. I’m either happy or sad. I’m mad or pleased. I’m disappointed or enthralled. I’m anxious or I’m calm. I don’t live in the middle grey areas of life. I don’t think that I can ever remember a time that I did.

But I am thankful for all of the people that treated me as if my life were a turnstile. I needed the people to come and go without a warning. I needed the people that always threatened to leave, and eventually did. I needed the people to hurt me along the way. I need people who would betray my trust and stomp on all of my hopes and dreams.

Not only did it build me up, and make me a fighter. But it makes my heart swell when I consider the people that didn’t have to stay. I think about my best friend, and how she had every reason to write me off. And yet, she stands faithfully by my side, still. And it makes my heart so very glad that I recognize that there are many that would have went without hesitation, but I was blessed with a friend who stayed.

All of the negative only has given me a richer, more meaningful understanding of the positive that passes through.

I’m learning, more and more, that I don’t need all of the answers. I don’t have to be in control. But, by golly, I don’t want to miss a chance to be thankful for what I do know and what I do have.

 

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