Incompleteness

2013-05-01 15.59.05

 

Psalm 73:25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. (ESV)

I used to tell everyone that Psalms is my least favorite book of the Bible to sit down and read devotionally because it is hard for me to engage in reading large chunks of poetry or prose at a time. But, in recent weeks I have discovered the real reason that I flip past that chunk of the Bible with such rapid speed.

There is something utterly convicting about every moment that I read through the Psalms. David and the other psalmists were so heart-wrenchingly open with God in every aspect of emotion. I am the sort that is inclined to only want to enter the throne room when I am happy or when I am desperate. I’ve admitted before that I live my life in the midst of extremes. I pendulum swing from one to the next, and have a struggle the most when my emotions are in the “grey” area. But, I’m discovering that God isn’t the sort of God that is pleased with only two ends of the scale.

See, He can’t be. Because He is the Creator of the entire scale. He didn’t just create me to have a relationship when it is easy for me, or when I discover that I need Him because the consequences have caught up with me. The truth is, I need Him every hour of the day. I can’t just anticipate that it would ever be enough to only choose Him a handful of those hours.

I am convicted, even more so, when I read the Psalms and find ones like the gem in 73:25. How I wish that those were my words. I wish that I rose every day with the knowledge that God is my heart’s only desire. I cannot imagine how differently each day would look if I was longing only for the heart of the father. But I’m not.

Let’s get real for a second. Is that okay? I’m going to be 26 in the summer. 26. I look back and see that my friends from high school and college have families. They have husbands and children scurrying under their feet. Not me. Me? I have four children scurrying under my feet. Are they mine? Sure, in a unique and very special way. But is that the same as having children of my own? Absolutely not.

And what’s even crazier? I decided that my boundaries with males in general is a terrible way of reflecting God’s love to others. I get too emotionally attached to men. Or I let the wrong sort of men into my life. Or I vie for the attention from men, to bring me comfort and satisfaction, emotionally, that I should be seeking from GOD ONLY.

So, not only am I in the home stretch for 26…I’m crawling to late 20s…and I decided to not date for an entire year. What the heck was I thinking? I’ve discovered that I have a general lack of compassion for other people. And I could no longer be satisfied knowing that I could seek the Father’s heart more and, in turn, be filled more with His spirit. But, two, I discovered that my desire to be loved by someone else was larger, much larger, than my desire to be loved by God.

And I could give you some nice, cozy answer about how I feel that God completes me and that I acknowledge that I don’t have to do anything to have the love of God. It is head knowledge, not heart smarts for me. I can see and acknowledge that it may be true, but I haven’t let it radiate from me. So I have to stop. I have to stop believing that lie that just because I am single I am incomplete.

Contrary to what others might say about it, I’m not some Mr. Potato Head waiting for one more piece to make me a complete picture. I have the Spirit of God dwelling within me, and that makes me already complete. Anytime that I begin seeking satisfaction somewhere else, it is because I have willingly chose to ignore God’s provisions and go my own way.

I am already completed. 

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